what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
October already? What’s next? November????
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.