SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Lol
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.