“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute