Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
You Might Also Like
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Inside you there are two wolves
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.