Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts