[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.