My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.