I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
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me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My Plans 2020
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
it must be school picture day
That time Alicia messaged me
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine