Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Thank you corporation very cool
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
CUTE CAT‼︎
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*