Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
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If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.