Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
socratic questions
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*