I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.