I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Best mom ever 😂
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent