hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
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I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.