@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My love language is hissing.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Golf would be better with landmines.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”