I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.