My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew