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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Did I do this right
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.