*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
May never get over this
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel