An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
You Might Also Like
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot