Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Godspeed, John Glenn
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
You can’t rush stupid.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*lint rolls you awake*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes