CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.