A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
cyclists
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag