I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
You Might Also Like
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
What a kind woman! 😂😂
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.