impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.