Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.