For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.