I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Respect
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.