All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
No regrets in 2018
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all