When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*