Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.