If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real