Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.