The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.