Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.