[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I am never leaving this website
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.