*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!