ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s