Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.