*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.