Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
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Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Who called it baking and not making love
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*