[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Personal trainer: How鈥檚 your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you鈥檝e been eating?
Me: You may not
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
you鈥檝e heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Moses: 馃幎gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free馃幎
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We鈥檙e literally being chased
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald鈥檚*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn鈥檛 get lonely in my tummy*
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
I鈥檓 sorry I hurt your feelings. Here鈥檚 a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I can鈥檛 get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.