Being rude underwater is snarkeling
You Might Also Like
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.