My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
men are simple creatures
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*