THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
You Might Also Like
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭