just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Rather alarming headline…
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?