(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.