Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
i did the math
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”