I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
He’s cranky this morning
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy