I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
There is no “we” in pizza
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC